..I am going to be productive. Creative. Hard-working. Inspirational to lots of people. Kind to all living creatures. I will never be jealous, never lie or cheat, never complaint about anything. I will MAKE. THINGS. HAPPEN.
In this life, I’m just going to be lazy and skip some of those things. Maeh.
I also wrote this on my new Tumblr account. I have no idea why I registered. It’s like I can’t resist these things. Heavens help me..
The hills of Hollywood
I started crying once, watching a documentary from Madagascar. It wasn’t sad, it was just so beautiful I couldn’t take it. But honestly, what I really couldn’t take was the fact that I wasn’t there myself, right at that moment. Or couldn’t believe I’d ever get there, anyway.
Right now, I also dream of living in Dublin or Cardiff for a year or so. Work with guys I see on Animal Planet, stalking lions the savanna, learning about them, sleeping in tents, taking photos, oh, taking a million photos. Spending two months in a jungle just waiting and waiting and waiting to see a glimpse of a wildcat. Seeing the Yellowstone bears go fishing in the spring.
I also miss California so much it hurts. Yes, I only spent 10 days over there and half of it in an air-conditioned luxury car, but I still miss it, genuinely. I think it was the weather and nature I loved the most, but also the sea and everything about the cities I’ve seen on tv and in the movies. The feeling of actually being there. The stuff you’ve watched on tv for most of your life.
But the nature. Big Sur, the small cities along Highway 1 – and I just realized I haven’t even shared the photos from our trip. Oh well, it’s only been two years…
Anyway, getting sidetracked here. The reason I started writing this whole thing was the self-loathing I’m feeling right now. Why? Because I can’t get anything done. Like saving money, actually making an effort to get to these places, to do things I really really want to do. I spend time on things I shouldn’t be spending it on, when I could be using it to do something that would help me gain things in the future. I’m WASTING my time, and I’m slowly running out of it. Maybe I’m having this good ol’ not-a-teenager-anymore crisis, I don’t know. I’m just panicking.
(Like Thom Yorke would put it: “I’m not living, I’m just killing time” or “I wish it was the sixties, I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen”..)
And secondly, what I’m most ashamed of, is this endless discontent. I hate people who complaint about things they don’t have. I’ve just recently realized I’m one of them! I am so sorry, friends. I’ll try to pay attention to these things more in the future. I have so much I should be thankful of, I have so much more than most of the people in the world.
Why isn’t it enough? Well, it just isn’t. I can’t stop myself from wanting more, so I’ll just keep dreaming, no matter how much it hurts.
But what I really need to do is shut up about it already. And DO SOMETHING.
Sometimes I can handle more than 10 minutes outside just for fun. That only happens when I carry my camera and can actually pretend to have a reason to be outside.. in the snow.. and cold..
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing about my personal life anymore. I do realize how stupid it is to apologize for something like that, but for some silly reason I feel I have to. After sooo many years (has it been nine already?!) of blogging about everything I do, everything I feel, everything I’m going through in my life, it just feels.. rude? Why? I have no idea.
Maybe I’m finally trying to drop all the less important hobbies and concentrate on things I *really* wanna do in life. Like roam the savannah with Dave or some other nature maniac.
Yeah, I wish. I really do.
I created a so called business page on Facebook. Now you can all show your support and become fans! The group can be found HERE.
Also, I added some items that are for sale, I’ll list them here since unikissa.com is – yes, you know the words – under construction for a while. I’m trying to come up with a new layout and translate everything to English at some point. But, here’s a few pictures of the items. If you like them and want to own them, or have someone special in mind who’d like to receive such things as christmas presents, contact me via e-mail!
So there we go. The painting’s measures and info: width 90cm, height 32cm (with frame). Original china ink drawing with wooden frame, passepartout and glass. Here’s a couple of details from it:
This winter and darkness is really making me tired. I slept for 9 hours last night, but I’m just about to fall asleep on the keyboard and get a random collection of letters pressed on my forehead. I don’t get it. I’ve tried coffee, a bit of moving around every once in a while, kept all the lights on, music loud, all that.. and still.
I think I’m a bear. I should hibernate all winter.
Or just simply fly over to California for a couple of months every winter, which I’m dreaming about every day and wondering how to do it.
My sister took me out and about on Sunday.. we had a few ciders and ended up at Molly’s again – no surprises there. Was fun, it was good to spend time with her after all my trips and absent weeks. I did a few silly things too and feel a bit embarrased about them now, but what am I gonna do? I’ll just have to lift my chin up high and stop worrying about what all the people in the world think about me, right?
Ugh, I wish it was that easy. Anyway.
My escaping-the-winter fever hasn’t gone away still. It’s just growing bigger and stronger, slowly taking over all my thoughts. I watch tv and see California/Miami and think about leaving. I look out the window and see the black wet streets, take the dog out and feel the cold wind on my cheeks, I think about the fact there’s still so many winter months to come, etc. etc. and all this makes me just think about leaving.
I keep wondering how to deal with this, how to stay AND go, stay home with my boys AND leave them behind at the same time. I can’t make them come with me, they’ve got lives here (as do I, but not a job so important I couldn’t leave). I’m so torn between these two things that I feel I can’t breathe. It’s just not normal anymore. I don’t want a holiday in the sun, I want a LIFE in the sun.
And for some reason I have this feeling something big is going to happen very soon. A decision, or some event that’s gonna pin me down in Finland or send me flying away to wherever I can go out without wearing three layers of clothing. I’m afraid of it, yet I can’t wait.
Oh how I hate the winter and dark. Maybe if I keep repeating these words long enough, destiny will come along and make it all better somehow.
Maybe I’ll try to get some sleep now. I slept for 3,5 hours last night and I’m still up, wondering what I could do to get myself tired. (Maybe I’m turning into a vampire. Maybe I’ll really spend the rest of my days in darkness without seeing the sun at all.)
Yeah.
– Things I have to do this week: Update a couple of sites (will do that the MINUTE I wake up!), sketch & paint a big painting for N, sleep better, spend the weekend in the countryside with my girls. Cottage tradition! Wine, sauna, autumn walks in the forest, card games & quality time. Happiness.
Oh how I wish all the people would agree with me on this: SAY IT OUT LOUD.
I’m talking about this polite & secretive thing we’ve got going on when it comes to different kind of relationships. Both romantic and all the other kinds. People hide their feelings, are horrified of saying things out loud just because they’re afraid how the other person is going to react. Even if it’s something really really nice. And because of that, this kind of behaviour is considered weird and freaky. Honesty. Honestly? I don’t get it.
The reason I started thinking about this is the urge to tell this one person (let’s call her/him “human X”), that s/he seems very nice although we don’t really know each other. I would love to tell human X the following things: “you’re very talented and I admire you for that”, “you’re a beautiful human being and I would love to take lots of photos of you” or “would you be interested in spending a little time with me, cause I would really like to know you better. I bet we’d have a lot in common.” I’d love to tell human X these things to make human X feel better. To know someone’s thinking good things about her/him.
But the problem is, human X could find me saying these things weird or flirty, or just phoney. Just because it’s not the way things regarding relationships are done in the lives of normal people.
And when I actually seize the moment and catch these people’s attention by saying such things, they will suddenly fade out and disappear. I know this will most probably happen, because I’ve tried it several times. I’ve told people I like them, even shared secrets or opened myself up (not too much) to show them I trust them and like them.
So, I’m stuck with this discreet behaviour towards all the interesting people I meet. I have to chat about trivial things with them for several months, even years and most likely lose the small connection we ever had.
I admit I wouldn’t end up having an Amazing Relationship with all these human X’s. I have expectations of it happening, and in the beginning it actually might feel perfect. No matter if I got to know human X’s by being honest (which, as I said, almost never happens) or just chatting about the weather for 2 months, it could end up going terribly wrong. We might have the most boring moments together or I might realize our chemistries simply don’t work. Human X could turn out to be a jerk, thief, liar or just plain untrustworthy. Human X might just think the same about me.
But again, here’s when one should be able to be honest and tell human X: “Look, this was a good effort, but we don’t have to pretend we’re best friends. You’re a good person but I bet you’d have more fun with someone else, as would I.” Then we’d hug each other, ride into the sunset looking for new stuff to experience and be polite to each other when our paths cross the next time.
For some reason, I have this annoying person living inside of me. I call her the “promotional bitch”, and here’s her story.
She adores, loves and almost lives for music and music alone, loving several artists and bands at the same time. Some more than others, some forever, some for a short period of time. A lot the bands stay in her heart for years and years, altho the big love for them might tune down a bit along with the passing of time and the discoverings of new artists. A few of them have been with her since she was 16, creating a lifelong soundtrack for everything that’s happened to me. Good and bad.
Anyway. Very often this person makes me think & do things I shouldn’t be wasting my time on, really. She makes me obsess about a group or a solo artist so much, that if my friends or the rest of the world don’t love them (yet), I can’t help but trying to spread the love. Make them like these artists too. I know it’s really annoying. I’ve been called a groupie, a fangirl, a teenager, and in a way I take these names as an insult.
So, what I have to live with, is the urge to promote carefully picked musicians no matter what. I don’t (usually) get paid to do it, nor have I been asked to do it. I just feel good doing it. And it takes up my time, sometimes money, and most of the time it’s pretty useless since I’m only one person. It annoys me, but at the same time it makes me very happy.
I’m on the edge of starting a campaign of my own again, and it seems I can’t stop myself from doing it. I’m thinking about how to make the world to see them, I’m wondering about that nonstop, making plans, throwing them aside as bad ones.
And I haven’t even asked them if they want me to do it. What is wrong with me, doctor? How can I get rid of this need to be the promotional bitch?
Before reading this, I’m telling you I’m a hopeless romantic and since that’s a kind of a disease to have, you are not allowed to laugh or huff or snort at this. That would be very rude and insensitive.
So, to the subject. I know it’s stupid, overly sentimental and a cliché in general, but it still makes me wonder. How is it that sometimes you meet these people who instantly make you feel very at home in their company? Like you’ve known them for ten years or maybe shared a childhood. That kind of person doesn’t make you the least bit nervous or uncomfortable even if you were nervous to begin with. You can even share awkward silences with them without the silences becoming awkward at all. And you suddenly get the feeling you could share all your secrets with this person and he would do the same with you.
It’s such a lovely feeling. It should happen with everyone, but it rarely does, if ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so nice if it happened all the time. Maybe it would.
Anyway. I don’t think the last time this happened (very recently!) was a mutual feeling. It would take a miracle for two people to meet and be equally ludicrous about such things. Well, it’s still a nice thought and one can always hope.
What I like to think is that maybe I’ve known those people in another life. Maybe we’ve been siblings, lovers or a parent and a child. Something important, something warm. I don’t actually believe in life after death or karma or anything like that, but it’s a beautiful thought. Isn’t it? Any fellow ludicr-ees out there?
So, it’s almost 3am again. I’m so tired I have to install matches between my eyelids to keep my eyes open, and still I’m just sitting here, ignoring the call of the incredibly soft and warm bed. Not so smart.
–
Today’s nice tunes for you to listen and watch! The songs aren’t very recent, but they are excellent. And Danish, all of them! The links will take you to YouTube, but you can also search these guys on Spotify.
