Unikissa's blog

The hills of Hollywood

I started crying once, watching a documentary from Madagascar. It wasn’t sad, it was just so beautiful I couldn’t take it. But honestly, what I really couldn’t take was the fact that I wasn’t there myself, right at that moment. Or couldn’t believe I’d ever get there, anyway.

Right now, I also dream of living in Dublin or Cardiff for a year or so. Work with guys I see on Animal Planet, stalking lions the savanna, learning about them, sleeping in tents, taking photos, oh, taking a million photos. Spending two months in a jungle just waiting and waiting and waiting to see a glimpse of a wildcat. Seeing the Yellowstone bears go fishing in the spring.

I also miss California so much it hurts. Yes, I only spent 10 days over there and half of it in an air-conditioned luxury car, but I still miss it, genuinely. I think it was the weather and nature I loved the most, but also the sea and everything about the cities I’ve seen on tv and in the movies. The feeling of actually being there. The stuff you’ve watched on tv for most of your life.

But the nature. Big Sur, the small cities along Highway 1 – and I just realized I haven’t even shared the photos from our trip. Oh well, it’s only been two years…

Anyway, getting sidetracked here. The reason I started writing this whole thing was the self-loathing I’m feeling right now. Why? Because I can’t get anything done. Like saving money, actually making an effort to get to these places, to do things I really really want to do. I spend time on things I shouldn’t be spending it on, when I could be using it to do something that would help me gain things in the future. I’m WASTING my time, and I’m slowly running out of it. Maybe I’m having this good ol’ not-a-teenager-anymore crisis, I don’t know. I’m just panicking.

(Like Thom Yorke would put it: “I’m not living, I’m just killing time” or “I wish it was the sixties, I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen”..)

And secondly, what I’m most ashamed of, is this endless discontent. I hate people who complaint about things they don’t have. I’ve just recently realized I’m one of them! I am so sorry, friends. I’ll try to pay attention to these things more in the future. I have so much I should be thankful of, I have so much more than most of the people in the world.

Why isn’t it enough? Well, it just isn’t. I can’t stop myself from wanting more, so I’ll just keep dreaming, no matter how much it hurts.

But what I really need to do is shut up about it already. And DO SOMETHING.

I found a dead cat today. A big, beautiful, young, orange cat. I think he got hit by a car and somehow managed to drag himself a few meters away from the road, through some bushes and in the middle of the orange autumn leaves. Well, can’t be sure, but by the looks of it his death wasn’t peaceful. Far from it.

As I was just taking my dog to a vet to get his shots, I called them and asked what to do. They told me to bring the cat over so they could check if it had an id chip. And to get him cremated. So me and Einari, we ran back to the house to get plastic bags. As we got back, I hesitated a bit, but then tried to lift the poor dead thing very carefully. I won’t go into any nasty details, but in the end I couldn’t fit him in the bag. And since we were on foot and in a hurry to the vet, and taking the bus, I just had to leave the cat behind.

I had my camera with me, so I took a few photos just in case they’d turn out to be useful in case the owner would show up and wanted to make sure it really was their cat. But, as I uploaded the photos on my computer, I actually found them very beautiful in all their dreadfulness. They made me think about a lot of things. They made me angry and sad, and made me want to show them to this cat’s owner in case they abandoned him or just let him out in the middle of all these busy roads.

The last two options aren’t that far fetched. A couple of months ago we actually saw this same cat with C hiding near our house. I really tried to make him trust me and approach me to see if he had a collar on, but he stayed far back. I tried to convince myself he was someone’s pet from nearby and would find his way home very soon.

I was wrong. And now I’m having the worst consience ever, thinking I could’ve saved him.

So, here’s picture number one, and here’s number two. Please don’t look at them in case you get easily upset by animal cruelty.

My sister took me out and about on Sunday.. we had a few ciders and ended up at Molly’s again – no surprises there. Was fun, it was good to spend time with her after all my trips and absent weeks. I did a few silly things too and feel a bit embarrased about them now, but what am I gonna do? I’ll just have to lift my chin up high and stop worrying about what all the people in the world think about me, right?

Ugh, I wish it was that easy. Anyway.

My escaping-the-winter fever hasn’t gone away still. It’s just growing bigger and stronger, slowly taking over all my thoughts. I watch tv and see California/Miami and think about leaving. I look out the window and see the black wet streets, take the dog out and feel the cold wind on my cheeks, I think about the fact there’s still so many winter months to come, etc. etc. and all this makes me just think about leaving.

I keep wondering how to deal with this, how to stay AND go, stay home with my boys AND leave them behind at the same time. I can’t make them come with me, they’ve got lives here (as do I, but not a job so important I couldn’t leave). I’m so torn between these two things that I feel I can’t breathe. It’s just not normal anymore. I don’t want a holiday in the sun, I want a LIFE in the sun.

And for some reason I have this feeling something big is going to happen very soon. A decision, or some event that’s gonna pin me down in Finland or send me flying away to wherever I can go out without wearing three layers of clothing. I’m afraid of it, yet I can’t wait.

Oh how I hate the winter and dark. Maybe if I keep repeating these words long enough, destiny will come along and make it all better somehow.

Maybe I’ll try to get some sleep now. I slept for 3,5 hours last night and I’m still up, wondering what I could do to get myself tired. (Maybe I’m turning into a vampire. Maybe I’ll really spend the rest of my days in darkness without seeing the sun at all.)

Yeah.

– Things I have to do this week: Update a couple of sites (will do that the MINUTE I wake up!), sketch & paint a big painting for N, sleep better, spend the weekend in the countryside with my girls. Cottage tradition! Wine, sauna, autumn walks in the forest, card games & quality time. Happiness.

Sometimes sad music can bring you down, sometimes it can cheer you up, make you cry out of happiness. Even if you just did something stupid, were really ashamed and felt like no-one likes you anymore.

That, in a small scale, happened to me within the last hour, sitting here in the darkness wearing my dear tiny Sennheisers. I was hysterical, did something rather silly, hated myself for doing it – until I randomly started listening to Jason Mraz’s songs on Spotify (Man gave name to all the animals! Hilarious lyrics!). After that, I surfed to YouTube to watch this.

I still feel a bit bad about how I sometimes can’t control my enthusiasm, but I’m also happy about the fact I am, even after this tiny emotional storm, alive and breathing. Yes, Mr. Mraz – life is sometimes very wonderful.

(At least when you find the right music for the moment.)