Wanting things
The hills of Hollywood
I started crying once, watching a documentary from Madagascar. It wasn’t sad, it was just so beautiful I couldn’t take it. But honestly, what I really couldn’t take was the fact that I wasn’t there myself, right at that moment. Or couldn’t believe I’d ever get there, anyway.
Right now, I also dream of living in Dublin or Cardiff for a year or so. Work with guys I see on Animal Planet, stalking lions the savanna, learning about them, sleeping in tents, taking photos, oh, taking a million photos. Spending two months in a jungle just waiting and waiting and waiting to see a glimpse of a wildcat. Seeing the Yellowstone bears go fishing in the spring.
I also miss California so much it hurts. Yes, I only spent 10 days over there and half of it in an air-conditioned luxury car, but I still miss it, genuinely. I think it was the weather and nature I loved the most, but also the sea and everything about the cities I’ve seen on tv and in the movies. The feeling of actually being there. The stuff you’ve watched on tv for most of your life.
But the nature. Big Sur, the small cities along Highway 1 – and I just realized I haven’t even shared the photos from our trip. Oh well, it’s only been two years…
Anyway, getting sidetracked here. The reason I started writing this whole thing was the self-loathing I’m feeling right now. Why? Because I can’t get anything done. Like saving money, actually making an effort to get to these places, to do things I really really want to do. I spend time on things I shouldn’t be spending it on, when I could be using it to do something that would help me gain things in the future. I’m WASTING my time, and I’m slowly running out of it. Maybe I’m having this good ol’ not-a-teenager-anymore crisis, I don’t know. I’m just panicking.
(Like Thom Yorke would put it: “I’m not living, I’m just killing time” or “I wish it was the sixties, I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen”..)
And secondly, what I’m most ashamed of, is this endless discontent. I hate people who complaint about things they don’t have. I’ve just recently realized I’m one of them! I am so sorry, friends. I’ll try to pay attention to these things more in the future. I have so much I should be thankful of, I have so much more than most of the people in the world.
Why isn’t it enough? Well, it just isn’t. I can’t stop myself from wanting more, so I’ll just keep dreaming, no matter how much it hurts.
But what I really need to do is shut up about it already. And DO SOMETHING.
November 18th, 2010 at 06:49
I have a cabin near Big Sur National Park. It is in the most beautiful place in the world. I miss it a lot.
I wrote a poem about it. My father, a writer, said he loved it since it made him think of each time we went there to spend a few days. We lived in San Francisco (I was born there) and it was only about 2 1/2 hours from SF. I miss SF sometimes too.
I have never thought of writing a blog before, but it seems like a really great idea. It’s like a journal. This blog, it says a lot about the type of person you are, a really caring one with a really big heart and with the same exact fear I have…..life passing by too quick…….and something I dislike about myself……my complaints. I am lucky to have what I have.
One thing I really would change if I could would be how humans treat the Earth. I don’t have that power though. I would punish those who were evil towards animals too! Animals are so wonderful! <3