But my breath fogged up the glass
My sister took me out and about on Sunday.. we had a few ciders and ended up at Molly’s again – no surprises there. Was fun, it was good to spend time with her after all my trips and absent weeks. I did a few silly things too and feel a bit embarrased about them now, but what am I gonna do? I’ll just have to lift my chin up high and stop worrying about what all the people in the world think about me, right?
Ugh, I wish it was that easy. Anyway.
My escaping-the-winter fever hasn’t gone away still. It’s just growing bigger and stronger, slowly taking over all my thoughts. I watch tv and see California/Miami and think about leaving. I look out the window and see the black wet streets, take the dog out and feel the cold wind on my cheeks, I think about the fact there’s still so many winter months to come, etc. etc. and all this makes me just think about leaving.
I keep wondering how to deal with this, how to stay AND go, stay home with my boys AND leave them behind at the same time. I can’t make them come with me, they’ve got lives here (as do I, but not a job so important I couldn’t leave). I’m so torn between these two things that I feel I can’t breathe. It’s just not normal anymore. I don’t want a holiday in the sun, I want a LIFE in the sun.
And for some reason I have this feeling something big is going to happen very soon. A decision, or some event that’s gonna pin me down in Finland or send me flying away to wherever I can go out without wearing three layers of clothing. I’m afraid of it, yet I can’t wait.
Oh how I hate the winter and dark. Maybe if I keep repeating these words long enough, destiny will come along and make it all better somehow.
Maybe I’ll try to get some sleep now. I slept for 3,5 hours last night and I’m still up, wondering what I could do to get myself tired. (Maybe I’m turning into a vampire. Maybe I’ll really spend the rest of my days in darkness without seeing the sun at all.)
Yeah.
– Things I have to do this week: Update a couple of sites (will do that the MINUTE I wake up!), sketch & paint a big painting for N, sleep better, spend the weekend in the countryside with my girls. Cottage tradition! Wine, sauna, autumn walks in the forest, card games & quality time. Happiness.
November 25th, 2009 at 07:30
One of my favorite authors, SARK, once said that we need to explore the dark places within ourselves, but that when we do, we should bring a friend and a flashlight. You are not alone. I too feel restless, and it was far worse when I came home after being in Helsinki. It’s good to see you keeping busy, because you are so insanely creative, and it would be a shame to let such talents wither away due to the darkness. Would I be able to withstand half a year in darkness up there? I don’t know, but I’ve worked nights so often it’s almost the same thing, hehe! I’d try to get your mind focused on other exciting things, and if you don’t have anything exciting, Make something exciting! Bubblebaths, dancing (even if you are alone) karaoke, bowling (yes, that’s considered exciting here, believe it or not) eat mangoes naked (also a book title by SARK) etc. You have one of the most diverse imaginations I know, so I know you can do it! Sometimes there’s nothing more thrilling than walking down a wet street, with the wind making your hair dance. Keep smiling, T.
Jax