Unikissa's blog

I found a dead cat today. A big, beautiful, young, orange cat. I think he got hit by a car and somehow managed to drag himself a few meters away from the road, through some bushes and in the middle of the orange autumn leaves. Well, can’t be sure, but by the looks of it his death wasn’t peaceful. Far from it.

As I was just taking my dog to a vet to get his shots, I called them and asked what to do. They told me to bring the cat over so they could check if it had an id chip. And to get him cremated. So me and Einari, we ran back to the house to get plastic bags. As we got back, I hesitated a bit, but then tried to lift the poor dead thing very carefully. I won’t go into any nasty details, but in the end I couldn’t fit him in the bag. And since we were on foot and in a hurry to the vet, and taking the bus, I just had to leave the cat behind.

I had my camera with me, so I took a few photos just in case they’d turn out to be useful in case the owner would show up and wanted to make sure it really was their cat. But, as I uploaded the photos on my computer, I actually found them very beautiful in all their dreadfulness. They made me think about a lot of things. They made me angry and sad, and made me want to show them to this cat’s owner in case they abandoned him or just let him out in the middle of all these busy roads.

The last two options aren’t that far fetched. A couple of months ago we actually saw this same cat with C hiding near our house. I really tried to make him trust me and approach me to see if he had a collar on, but he stayed far back. I tried to convince myself he was someone’s pet from nearby and would find his way home very soon.

I was wrong. And now I’m having the worst consience ever, thinking I could’ve saved him.

So, here’s picture number one, and here’s number two. Please don’t look at them in case you get easily upset by animal cruelty.

My sister took me out and about on Sunday.. we had a few ciders and ended up at Molly’s again – no surprises there. Was fun, it was good to spend time with her after all my trips and absent weeks. I did a few silly things too and feel a bit embarrased about them now, but what am I gonna do? I’ll just have to lift my chin up high and stop worrying about what all the people in the world think about me, right?

Ugh, I wish it was that easy. Anyway.

My escaping-the-winter fever hasn’t gone away still. It’s just growing bigger and stronger, slowly taking over all my thoughts. I watch tv and see California/Miami and think about leaving. I look out the window and see the black wet streets, take the dog out and feel the cold wind on my cheeks, I think about the fact there’s still so many winter months to come, etc. etc. and all this makes me just think about leaving.

I keep wondering how to deal with this, how to stay AND go, stay home with my boys AND leave them behind at the same time. I can’t make them come with me, they’ve got lives here (as do I, but not a job so important I couldn’t leave). I’m so torn between these two things that I feel I can’t breathe. It’s just not normal anymore. I don’t want a holiday in the sun, I want a LIFE in the sun.

And for some reason I have this feeling something big is going to happen very soon. A decision, or some event that’s gonna pin me down in Finland or send me flying away to wherever I can go out without wearing three layers of clothing. I’m afraid of it, yet I can’t wait.

Oh how I hate the winter and dark. Maybe if I keep repeating these words long enough, destiny will come along and make it all better somehow.

Maybe I’ll try to get some sleep now. I slept for 3,5 hours last night and I’m still up, wondering what I could do to get myself tired. (Maybe I’m turning into a vampire. Maybe I’ll really spend the rest of my days in darkness without seeing the sun at all.)

Yeah.

– Things I have to do this week: Update a couple of sites (will do that the MINUTE I wake up!), sketch & paint a big painting for N, sleep better, spend the weekend in the countryside with my girls. Cottage tradition! Wine, sauna, autumn walks in the forest, card games & quality time. Happiness.

Oh how I wish all the people would agree with me on this: SAY IT OUT LOUD.

I’m talking about this polite & secretive thing we’ve got going on when it comes to different kind of relationships. Both romantic and all the other kinds. People hide their feelings, are horrified of saying things out loud just because they’re afraid how the other person is going to react. Even if it’s something really really nice. And because of that, this kind of behaviour is considered weird and freaky. Honesty. Honestly? I don’t get it.

The reason I started thinking about this is the urge to tell this one person (let’s call her/him “human X”), that s/he seems very nice although we don’t really know each other. I would love to tell human X the following things: “you’re very talented and I admire you for that”, “you’re a beautiful human being and I would love to take lots of photos of you” or “would you be interested in spending a little time with me, cause I would really like to know you better. I bet we’d have a lot in common.” I’d love to tell human X these things to make human X feel better. To know someone’s thinking good things about her/him.

But the problem is, human X could find me saying these things weird or flirty, or just phoney. Just because it’s not the way things regarding relationships are done in the lives of normal people.

And when I actually seize the moment and catch these people’s attention by saying such things, they will suddenly fade out and disappear. I know this will most probably happen, because I’ve tried it several times. I’ve told people I like them, even shared secrets or opened myself up (not too much) to show them I trust them and like them.

So, I’m stuck with this discreet behaviour towards all the interesting people I meet. I have to chat about trivial things with them for several months, even years and most likely lose the small connection we ever had.

I admit I wouldn’t end up having an Amazing Relationship with all these human X’s.  I have expectations of it happening, and in the beginning it actually might feel perfect. No matter if I got to know human X’s by being honest (which, as I said, almost never happens) or just chatting about the weather for 2 months, it could end up going terribly wrong. We might have the most boring moments together or I might realize our chemistries simply don’t work. Human X could turn out to be a jerk, thief, liar or just plain untrustworthy. Human X might just think the same about me.

But again, here’s when one should be able to be honest and tell human X: “Look, this was a good effort, but we don’t have to pretend we’re best friends. You’re a good person but I bet you’d have more fun with someone else, as would I.” Then we’d hug each other, ride into the sunset looking for new stuff to experience and be polite to each other when our paths cross the next time.

For some reason, I have this annoying person living inside of me. I call her the “promotional bitch”, and here’s her story.

She adores, loves and almost lives for music and music alone, loving several artists and bands at the same time. Some more than others, some forever, some for a short period of time. A lot the bands stay in her heart for years and years, altho the big love for them might tune down a bit along with the passing of time and the discoverings of new artists. A few of them have been with her since she was 16, creating a lifelong soundtrack for everything that’s happened to me. Good and bad.

Anyway. Very often this person makes me think & do things I shouldn’t be wasting my time on, really. She makes me obsess about a group or a solo artist so much, that if my friends or the rest of the world don’t love them (yet), I can’t help but trying to spread the love. Make them like these artists too. I know it’s really annoying. I’ve been called a groupie, a fangirl, a teenager, and in a way I take these names as an insult.

So, what I have to live with, is the urge to promote carefully picked musicians no matter what. I don’t (usually) get paid to do it, nor have I been asked to do it. I just feel good doing it. And it takes up my time, sometimes money, and most of the time it’s pretty useless since I’m only one person. It annoys me, but at the same time it makes me very happy.

I’m on the edge of starting a campaign of my own again, and it seems I can’t stop myself from doing it. I’m thinking about how to make the world to see them, I’m wondering about that nonstop, making plans, throwing them aside as bad ones.

And I haven’t even asked them if they want me to do it. What is wrong with me, doctor? How can I get rid of this need to be the promotional bitch?

Before reading this, I’m telling you I’m a hopeless romantic and since that’s a kind of a disease to have, you are not allowed to laugh or huff or snort at this. That would be very rude and insensitive.

So, to the subject. I know it’s stupid, overly sentimental and a cliché in general, but it still makes me wonder. How is it that sometimes you meet these people who instantly make you feel very at home in their company? Like you’ve known them for ten years or maybe shared a childhood. That kind of person doesn’t make you the least bit nervous or uncomfortable even if you were nervous to begin with. You can even share awkward silences with them without the silences becoming awkward at all. And you suddenly get the feeling you could share all your secrets with this person and he would do the same with you.

It’s such a lovely feeling. It should happen with everyone, but it rarely does, if ever. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so nice if it happened all the time. Maybe it would.

Anyway. I don’t think the last time this happened (very recently!) was a mutual feeling. It would take a miracle for two people to meet and be equally ludicrous about such things. Well, it’s still a nice thought and one can always hope.

What I like to think is that maybe I’ve known those people in another life. Maybe we’ve been siblings, lovers or a parent and a child. Something important, something warm. I don’t actually believe in life after death or karma or anything like that, but it’s a beautiful thought. Isn’t it? Any fellow ludicr-ees out there?

So, it’s almost 3am again. I’m so tired I have to install matches between my eyelids to keep my eyes open, and still I’m just sitting here, ignoring the call of the incredibly soft and warm bed. Not so smart.

–

Today’s nice tunes for you to listen and watch! The songs aren’t very recent, but they are excellent. And Danish, all of them! The links will take you to YouTube, but you can also search these guys on Spotify.

• Grand Avenue – Bullet (live)
• Saybia – 7 Demons
• Mew – Am I Wry? No.

Sometimes sad music can bring you down, sometimes it can cheer you up, make you cry out of happiness. Even if you just did something stupid, were really ashamed and felt like no-one likes you anymore.

That, in a small scale, happened to me within the last hour, sitting here in the darkness wearing my dear tiny Sennheisers. I was hysterical, did something rather silly, hated myself for doing it – until I randomly started listening to Jason Mraz’s songs on Spotify (Man gave name to all the animals! Hilarious lyrics!). After that, I surfed to YouTube to watch this.

I still feel a bit bad about how I sometimes can’t control my enthusiasm, but I’m also happy about the fact I am, even after this tiny emotional storm, alive and breathing. Yes, Mr. Mraz – life is sometimes very wonderful.

(At least when you find the right music for the moment.)

So. I flew home from Sweden/Denmark tonight, but it actually took two take-offs from the Copenhagen airport to finally get to Helsinki. They had problems with something electrical equipment the pilots use to do their job (no idea what, “nothing serious”), and we had to turn back after 30 mins of flying. At the Copenhagen airport they even had firetrucks waiting for us – normal procedure, said the captain. Still, pretty exciting!

The funniest moment was when, after telling us something is wrong, the captain’s announcement started bzzz’ing and breaking off. The Finns burst into loud laughter and I couldn’t help but giggle too – says something about this nation. We’re not afraid to die as long as it’s funny!!

The week in Lund was peaceful, lovely, relaxing, fun – I also got to see Grand Avenue twice, which was a huge cherry on top of everything! On Thursday night me and Miikka (aka CK) met the band and some fun people backstage and continued to a small pub nearby. We got hammered, played at least 20 Beatles songs from the jukebox and some MC Hammer.. I also have a video clip on my cellphone with a lot of darkness, laughter, loud rattling noises and a few flashing streetlights. The video includes a shopping cart and some pain, too. Might not make it public anytime soon, although it is hilarious.

On Friday night I hopped on a train to go to Copenhagen (again! I crossed the border 6 times within the week) to see the band play in Albertslund. CK went home that morning, so I had to make it a solo adventure. And what an adventure it was, indeed. I got lost in the damn suburbian hellhole of a mall and missed several songs. Oh well, at least I got a few photos and a chance to say hi and bye to the guys afterwards. Totally worth the trouble. They are such amazing people, polite and fun, making sure a random foreign girl doesn’t get lost in the city and whatnot. I wish they get the attention and good things they deserve.

Again, makes me want to believe in karma and people getting what they deserve.

It was so nice to spend time with Aija. Really really nice. We haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together lately (her moving to Sweden might have something to do about it) and now we got a whole week – minus my fangirl action – and although we didn’t do anything that special, it was the best week. Watched a lot of good movies & series, made some christmas decorations and amigurumi for their home, took Siru the dog to long walks to a nearby pond, ate good veggie food and enjoyed life.

Aija might’ve not enjoyed ALL the time with me, since I was pretty violent during nights while sharing the double bed with her. One night I had a dream someone was trying to stab & kill me, so I kicked the killer real hard in the stomach. Well, it worked, I didn’t get stabbed since I woke up to Aija’s whining and cursing. I’d kicked her instead. I would’ve laughed at the situation, but I realized instantly it wasn’t a light touch of a foot that hit her.. embarrasing but, you have to admit, a bit funny.

Well, it’s almost 4am and I’m starting to feel a bit cross-eyed (as we say in Finnish, isn’t it the same in English too huh?).. might have to leave the photo editing until tomorrow.

If you have Spotify, please listen to my current favourite track from Grand Avenue: These Days. I love the whole album “Place to Fall“, but this song’s been playing in my head since yesterday.

And a couple of photos – Grand music and flying Einari. Hope you like ‘em.

On the road again.. My flight leaves in a few hours and I still got some shopping & a lot of packing to do. But here I am, sitting in front of the computer, wearing a towel around my hair. Oh well.

I’m testing some new layouts, and so far nothing has been The Right One for me. I got so bored of the old one! This one still has a stupid “read more” button even if there isn’t more to read, but I’ll take a look at the code a bit later. Right now I really don’t have time for that, right?!

Anyway, I’m going to Sweden for a week, Lund to be exact. Gonna spend an evening or two in Denmark, since a favourite band of mine, the excellent Grand Avenue is playing in Copenhagen and nearby! Wooo! It’s been a year and a half since I saw them in Los Angeles.

Maybe it’ll feel like I was back in California when they start playing? Well, a girl can always hope.